The last couple of days, especially after an earlier blog on the topic of love marriages - I've been trying hard to remain focused on what more I wish to rant pertaining this delicate yet fiery issue.
It is not so much about me trying to convince myself that marrying the one you love is by far and large a better option to exercise (I reiterate that everyone is entitled to their own opinion).
Rather, what stirs my mind to think deeper about this is the fact that for too long now, I, just like many others out there, often feel an unseen tinge of excitement when talking of love marriages - sadly, without knowing the real depth and significance of it.
Blame it on globally successful Bollywood flicks such as
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,
Kabhi Khushi Kahbie Gham,
Kal Ho Na Ho or the classic English super-hit
Titanic if you must - but I can't deny that to a large extent, movies based on love sagas as the central theme, have played and continue to play a vital role in influencing our understanding of what constitutes a love marriage.
However, when I say movies influence individual connotations of love marriages - I'm surely not talking about the dream-like
Chaya Chaya hot number by
Shah Rukh Khan performed on roof top of a fast moving train, nor am I citing Canadian music diva Celine Dion's rendition of
My Heart Will Go On music clips -- which many actually want in reality.
I'm trying to arrive at the fact that, knowingly or otherwise, many assume love marriages are a lot easier to 'live' with besides acting as a fundamental base to ensure happiness of both partners in the relationship is taken care of. Almost all successful movies and novels on love and matters of the heart are expected to end along the lines of '....and they lived happily ever after.'
In reality, many around me (since I lack this experience myself) testify that falling in love and marrying the same person, without being prepared for the lifestyle, mental and emotional transition from a courting couple to being legally and ceremonially wed poses the same risk as marrying a total stranger chosen by the parents or elders.
I've spoken to couples of different religion, age and social standing, including those married to their long time high-school lovers as well as people who tied the knot simply because it was their family's choice - and the retort doesn't differ much. Couples well into their late 70s / early 80s of age, still vouch by the fact that love marriages are by no means a piece of cake - truth is, it is by far more challenging to handle than even conventional arranged weddings.
An interesting insight I got from my informal "married-couple's secrets" interview comes as a total surprise to me (since my understanding of this is like asking me to figure an add maths formula [i hate maths with a venegence]).
The revelation, as shocking as it may be for my own good, did help knock some sense into me - successfully!
Little did I know that love marriages pose a greater challenge in terms of streering the relationship in the right direction for years to come. The most difficult aspect to handle is said to be the couple's willingness to step out of their comfort zone (i.e.from just boyfriends & girlfriends) to actually assuming the role of husband and wife.
What can be so difficult about this in a love marriage compared to, say a typical Indian arranged wedding I pondered? And true enough, I got an answer through my own observation (not limited to brother Suresh & sister-in-law Ms.Boo's recent marriage) that the person one loves dearly can be the extremely difficult person/character to manage in the long run, specifically in marriage.
I was told that partially, this happens simply because our loved ones just know us inside out and when the time comes, it is basically in the respective couple's hands whether or not their sound understanding of each other is put towards positive changes.
More often than not, notes a married-for-12-years (arranged marriage) couple, arguments arise in love marriages when both partners fight for what is commonly termed as 'unequal equality' - they agreed prior to marriage on both remaining equal in the union. But as months become years, one partner begins to knowingly or otherwise, dominate the household.
Thus, the other throws tantrums of some magnitude, I'm told, to drive the point of their unhappiness with the unequal treatment. And when the situation is reversed, the partner who initially felt victimised by the unequality, will actually attempt to dominate the other for reasons best known only to them.
This is done despite the fact that once a upon a time, they knew what it felt like to be dominated by the significant other and yet, when things change, they simply choose to inflict the same dominance onto the other.
A tale of sweet revenge? You bet it is, but not necessarily the pleasant of all experience the union of two people can offer to each other's life long needs.
So, am I saying that love marriage is a no go?
Actually, I don't know.
Yes, it sounds rather disappointing that after all that I've raved above I can't really say something concrete.
But hey, on the bright side I'm being utterly honest about how I feel and this is what my blog is all about isn't it?
About saying what I want to say, exactly the way I want it said?
Having said that, I must make it known that much of my own indecisiveness on this issue and all other related views is firmly etched on my personal trust that marriages - love or arranged alike, are made in heaven!
